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july the 13th...
the day i forced my dame to delete me from her contacts...
i prepared her for it...it was planned elaborately...

NO, i haven't lied to her about anything...

i thought i was ready for it...but i wasnt...
i cried and cried and cried and cried..cried myself to sleep..woke up with tears in my eyes...and then cried some more...hehe
i dont know when i fell so much in love with her...
strange feeling inside my stomach..not like butterflies...
my head's spinning ever since...didnt eat anything yesterday...was feeling nauseous..
puked my morning tea!!!

dunno what's happening...seems like a civil war's raging inside...one side wants to crucify me, and the other side justifies my actions...

only consolation i can give myself is that i did it for her...
cant' even type anymore...

...life without poetry...

listening to : edward maya featuring alicia - stereo love (vika jigulina vocal mix)

this song has been on repeat since the day i heard it for the first time..been more than a month..wow...i just love the way they have used the accordion in this one... :)
and the vocals..her hummming...whoa...listen to it..you will love it...:)

back when i was a kid...i was in real awe of all these poets...
i used to wonder how they made themselves to write such beautiful verses...
there were the romantic ones (dylan thomas anybody?), the funny ones (ogden nash), the romantics(those who were in love with the many surprises of life in general..my defn :D)

here's one for poems in general...dont remember where i found this one..if it was on your blog, dont forget to scream...down below... =)

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- Dream On by James Tate -

Some people go their whole lives
without ever writing a single poem.
Extraordinary people who don't hesitate
to cut somebody's heart or skull open.
They go to baseball games with the greatest of ease.
and play a few rounds of golf as if it were nothing.
These same people stroll into a church
as if that were a natural part of life.
Investing money is second nature to them.
They contribute to political campaigns
that have absolutely no poetry in them
and promise none for the future.
They sit around the dinner table at night
and pretend as though nothing is missing.
Their children get caught shoplifting at the mall
and no one admits that it is poetry they are missing.
The family dog howls all night,
lonely and starving for more poetry in his life.
Why is it so difficult for them to see
that, without poetry, their lives are effluvial.
Sure, they have their banquets, their celebrations,
croquet, fox hunts, their sea shores and sunsets,
their cocktails on the balcony, dog races,
and all that kissing and hugging, and don't
forget the good deeds, the charity work,
nursing the baby squirrels all through the night,
filling the birdfeeders all winter,
helping the stranger change her tire.
Still, there's that disagreeable exhalation
from decaying matter, subtle but everpresent.
They walk around erect like champions.
They are smooth-spoken and witty.
When alone, rare occasion, they stare
into the mirror for hours, bewildered.
There was something they meant to say, but didn't:
"And if we put the statue of the rhinoceros
next to the tweezers, and walk around the room three times,
learn to yodel, shave our heads, call
our ancestors back from the dead--"
poetrywise it's still a bust, bankrupt.
You haven't scribbled a syllable of it.
You're a nowhere man misfiring
the very essence of your life, flustering
nothing from nothing and back again.
The hereafter may not last all that long.
Radiant childhood sweetheart,
secret code of everlasting joy and sorrow,
fanciful pen strokes beneath the eyelids:
all day, all night meditation, knot of hope,
kernel of desire, pure ordinariness of life
seeking, through poetry, a benediction
or a bed to lie down on, to connect, reveal,
explore, to imbue meaning on the day's extravagant labor.
And yet it's cruel to expect too much.
It's a rare species of bird
that refuses to be categorized.
Its song is barely audible.
It is like a dragonfly in a dream--
here, then there, then here again,
low-flying amber-wing darting upward
then out of sight.
And the dream has a pain in its heart
the wonders of which are manifold,
or so the story is told.

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so what are you waiting for..you will never know unless you try...
=)

...racism & us...

listening to : vertical horizon - best i ever had

all this hue and cry about racism in australia..makes one really cringe about australians...doesn't it???
but has anyone ever bothered to look in their own backyard???
we are the only country where a majority of the population is subjected to all kinds of racism..we as a people have the credit of even practicing racism to our fellow compatriots abroad..it's the nri's against the green cards..h1bs..l1s..it's the green cards against the h1bs...and l1s..h1bs agaisnt the l1s...it doesnt stop there...then it's the l1s against the other l1s...if they apeak a diff language..if they are from a different religion...wtf?!?

i m a big fan of this guy..jug suraiya..for those not in the know, he'z a columnist with the times of india...he has very aptly in his article below outlined the kind of racist people that we are..just look at the number of comments that this guy has got supporting him...here

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Juggle-Bandhi

We're even more racist than Aussies by Jug Suraiya
Monday June 08, 2009

The attacks on Indians in Australia have once again raised the ugly head of racism. Once again India is caught up in the midst of a racist storm. A while ago, the Big Brother controversy launched Shilpa Shetty as an international anti-racism icon from India. This is entirely appropriate as Indians are arguably the biggest targets of racism in the world. And they are targeted not just by unlettered British yobs or Australian thugs but, first and foremost, by their own compatriots. It's because we are so racist ourselves that we are so quick to react to a racist slur: it takes a racist to catch a racist. And our racism is colour-coded in black-and-white terms: white is intrinsically superior and desirable; black is inferior and undesirable.

In the Indian colour scheme of things, black is far from beautiful. The colloquial word for a black person of African origin is 'habshi', an epithet as offensive as the American 'nigger', both terms derived from the days of the slave trade.

For all India's official championing of the anti-apartheid crusade in South Africa's erstwhile white regime, north India at least is steeped in colour prejudice - ask any African student who's had a taste of Delhi's campus life. For the north Indian, fair is lovely, as those abominably tasteless TV commercials keep proclaiming: Don't get sunburnt, use skin whitening creams, or you'll end up dark and no one will marry you. (When did you last see a matrimonial ad seeking an 'attractive, dark-complexioned life partner'?)

Why is dark literally beyond the pale for so many of us? Is it an atavistic throwback to the supposed superiority of 'white' Aryans vis-a-vis the 'non-white' original inhabitants of the subcontinent? Is it the result of 250 years of white rule under the British? Is a pale skin, as against a deep tan, a testimonial to social rank, segregating those who don't have to toil under the sun from those who do? Is it an amalgam of all these?

Whatever the reason, 'chitti chamri' (fair skin) is a passport to fawning social acceptance -- which might partly explain why an increasing number of Caucasians look for assignments in India, be it as MNC executives or bartenders in 5-star hotels.

Our racism is largely, but not exclusively, based on colour. Caste is India's unique contribution to the lexicon of racial bigotry. Whether 'caste' - a result of cultural and social segmentation - can legitimately be conflated with 'race' - with its genetic and physiological underpinnings - is a matter of academic debate. However, as only too many horror stories testify, the average rural Dalit fares worse on the human-rights scale than her 'kafir' counterpart in the worst days of South African apartheid.

Caste apart, real or imagined ethnic traits compound our racism. People from the north-east are said to have 'Chinky' (Chinese) eyes and are routinely asked if they eat dogs. Even in so-called 'mainstream' India we sub-divide ourselves with pejoratives: 'Panjus', whose only culture is agriculture; stingy 'Marrus'; mercenary 'Gujjus' who eat 'heavy snakes' for tea; lazy, shiftless 'Bongs'; 'Madrasis', who all live south of the Vindhyas and speak a funny 'Illay-po' language. In our ingrained provincialism is our much-vaunted and illusory unity.

No wonder we can't stand racism. It reminds us disquietingly of the face we see in our own mirror.

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and i got to admit..i have had first hand experience of this fucked up trait of ours...when i was in 6th grade...or so...
i was teased a lot bcoz i was the only dark skinned kid among the building kids...
but it didnt stop there...i was not allowed to play because of my mother tongue too...bcoz i wasnt maharashtrian...wtf?!?and this was decided by the mother of one of the kids...i tried for 2 days..from the 3rd days onwards i stopped playing with them...
i asked my sis if i could go play with her gang...you see..had a crush on one of her friends ;)..so i couldnt let go of an opportunity that had presented itself...tried to adjust for a week..then i had had enuff of the girlies...:D
so i took out my bike and started cycling..for the next three years that was the only thing i did every evening...cycled around for 2-3 hours every evening..and it did wonders for me...
and btw, 3 of my best friends are maharashtrians...and my dame is too..hehe

but have noticed..the fairer sex has always been a lil considerate of me..i sure have had my fare share of fan following...:)

...missing ya loads...

...pale horses...

moby's latest vdo!!!
enjoy!!!

...control?!?...

listening to : blackfield - glow

i thought i was in control...but my loneliness finally got to me, yesterday morning...nah, nothing triggered it..just my thoughts...& the result...

the good thing...at the end of it all, i still managed to smile and take a pic...hahah...yep, m mad..need any more proof?!?

...into the fire...

listening to : Thirteen senses - Into the fire

just love this song by thirteen senses...into the fire...

check out the lyrics...

:)

Come on, come on

Put your hands into the fire

Explain, explain

As I turn and meet the power

This time, This time

Turning white and senses dire

Pull up, pull up

From one extreme to another

From the summer to the spring

From the mountain to the air

From Samaritan to sin

And it's waiting on the end

and now I'm alone I'm looking out

I'm looking in, way down

The lights are dim

there's a new guest at the devilz residence...check him out..

there's this small garden with a pond in it...the pond has many geese...

dad and mom had gone for a walk there...and suddenly two baby parrots came crashing down..one fell on the bank and the other in the water..people rescued the one in the water...and he ended up at my home...the other one flew away...

hez an enterprising guy...

right now i have got him eating grams and peanuts out of my hands...:)

have to take him to a vet..seems like there's some problem with him...just a hunch because of the so many grey spots in his plumage..

right now i have kept him in the bathroom...seems like that's the best place for him till he grows back some feathers...

...funnies n pain...

listening to : N-Dubz - Strong Again

most of the people go "huh?!?" when they come to know that i follow anime and read manga....hehe..they think it's all for kids...and i say "no, it's not..."

but to put up with it or atleast get you interested you should have been a "comics" fan from your childhood dez...i m still a BIGGGGG fan of tom and jerry, when it comes to cartoons...and for comics the eternal fav would be calvin and hobbes (clik on the image to view the original size)...i believe every kid should have it as a compulsory part of their lives!!!

another gr8 one is garfield!!!

:)

so for all of you who thought shows and manga like naruto were for kids, here's something from the latest weekly manga of the same... useful and really thoughtful words down there...

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when people get hurt, they learn to hate...when people hurt others they become hated and are racked with guilt...but that pain, allows people to be kind..allows them to grow...how you grow is up to you...think about it..about the pain...

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so what do you do with all the pain???
here's my dope...
you should never use it to exact revenge...it will just turn into a vicious cycle of more pain...devouring all those who get involved...
why not channel it for something better..for ensuring that there wont be a next tym, not in your life or atleast in the lives of those near and dear to you???
think about it...

that's all for now...my exams will be ending on 11th of june..
and the job hunt begins, again!!!
then i will regularly blog hop and check out the stuff that i have missed at my blog friends's pages...
:)

...eyes never lie...

listening to : mohit chauhan - masakali

thirst...that was what was on his mind...

the city had been too hot since the past so many days...and worst, he forgot to fill his bottle of water, when he left home...now waiting at the bus-stop...he felt awfully thirsty...

fifteen minutes and still no bus...

just then he saw a rick arriving...the driver calling out "lp..turba...lp...turba..."

he got in...and then asked the driver..how much..."five bucks"

next, a couple got in..and they were good to go...

the rick was slow compared to the vehicles whizzing past on the highway...it just trudged along really slowly at it's own pace...until the gal called out..."bhaiya, thodi jaldi hai..thoda fast chalao"

("brother, we are in a hurry...please drive a lil faster")

"madam, pahaad hai..slow chadta hai..utrenge toh fast ho jayega..."

("madam, we are going uphill..when we go downhill it will be faster...")

and the drone continued...he saw a brightly coloured bus whizz past..it seemed to be the office bus of her company..he smiled to himself..as he imagined her engrossed in work...at her workstation...and he was really curious as to what reply he would get for his april first prank..the mail that he had sent around 6 hours earlier...

he was lost in his thoughts when the rick stopped..he had arrived at his destination..the couple too got off...and he started walking briskly to college...he got reminded of his thirst as sosn as he stepped out into the sun...

as he arrived in college, he went straight to the watercooler in the mba section of college...the aquaguard in the engg section was disconnected..and the one in mba was always working fyn...some of the perks of paying 3 tyms more the amount for the mba course fee...

he filled up his bottle and emptied it right there..."phew, that was a relief"

he thought to himself...

and then filled up the bottle again...

now as he ascended the stairs to the ground floor and turned to walk to the engg section..he noticed two big eyes set on him...those eyes belonged to a gal...she was standing a few yards away...talking to her friend...the friend was sitting on the mini-parapet of the corridor...

at first he couldnt look away from her eyes...she had really big, expressive eyes and it was as if she was smiling through her eyes...

then it struck him that he was staring...and finally looked away..he walked by her side and still he could feel her gaze following him...now he got self conscious...he looked at himself...was there somehting funny about his appearance??? he thought to himself...nothing wrong with the shirt...

no, nothing wrong with the pants too...he ascended the stairs to the first floor where his class was...and before entering he looked back at her... and there she was still looking...and now she smiled...he went in...sat down to write assignments...but now, he was already distracted...he had never seen the gal before in college...the mba section was only a flyt of stairs down..so he thought he knew who all were taking courses there...

he was woken out of his reverie by someone calling out his name...S was talking to him..."it's JC on the fone..." and handed him the cell...he smiled to himself as he walked out of the class...he had gotten an excuse to see that girl again..and as he looked again in her direction she was already looking at him...he looked straight into her eyes...and they didnt turn away..it was a feast for him..he always had a weakness for beautiful eyes...those were the first things he ever noticed in a gal..then finally he turned his gaze away, as his brain was shouting.."red alert!!! banno!!!..red alert!!! banno!!!"...banno was the h.o.d of his dept..and she was walking his way...he wished her good morning and she didnt even return the greeting..just walked off with a smirk up the stairs...and down the stairs she and her friend were laughing...

he blushed and made an attempt to smile...the call with JC was over now..but he still acted as if he was talking...now he looked at her face..she was really pretty..not that beauty ever mattered to him..and she looked really good in formals...the attire of the mba students..she was wearing a full sleeve off white shirt and black pants..with black shoes to complete the look...no make-up..only a lil mascara and eyeliner..to highlight her most beautiful asset...her eyes..just the way he liked it...

finally S came out of the class..."we are going to the gopuram..we will sit and write there...too hot in class...are you coming???"

he answered in the affirmative...and gave one last look at the gal...he really hated to end this silent conversation...she was still looking at him and saying something to her friend..he smiled a brief smile and walked into the class to collect his things...as he walked in, he sighed...this was not the first time someone looked at him...

and each time, he had the same question in his mind...why couldnt he make his dame look at him the way this girl just did???

then he smiled again...as he walked out of the class...he told himself..he shouldnt mind, if his dame was happy...that's all he wished for...and this tym he didnt look back at the gal down the stairs...

and, he never saw her again in college after that day...

...paulo...

listening to : john mayer - clarity

i am a big fan of paulo coelho...& i just couldn't resist posting this post from one of his blogs warrior of light...read and get wiser...:)

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Issue nº 194 - Emotional independence

Published

by

Paulo Coelho

on March 18, 2009

in Warrior Of Light

.

“At the beginning of our life and again when we get old, we need the help and affection of others. Unfortunately, between these two periods of our life, when we are strong and able to look after ourselves, we don’t appreciate the value of affection and compassion. As our own life begins and ends with the need for affection, wouldn’t it be better if we gave compassion and love to others while we are strong and capable?”

The above words were said by the present Dalai Lama. Really, it is very curious to see that we are proud of our emotional independence. Evidently, it is not quite like that: we continue needing others our entire life, but it is a “shame” to show that, so we prefer to cry in hiding. And when someone asks us for help, that person is considered weak and incapable of controlling his feelings.

There is an unwritten rule saying that “the world is for the strong”, that “only the fittest survive.” If it were like that, human beings would never have existed, because they are part of a species that needs to be protected for a long period of time (specialists say that we are only capable of surviving on our own after nine years of age, whereas a giraffe takes only six to eight months, and a bee is already independent in less than five minutes).

We are in this world, I, for my part, continue – and will always continue – depending on others. I depend on my wife, my friends and my publishers. I depend even on my enemies, who help me to be always trained in the use of the sword.

Clearly, there are moments when this fire blows in another direction, but I always ask myself: where are the others? Have I isolated myself too much? Like any healthy person, I also need solitude and moments of reflection.

But I cannot get addicted to that.

Emotional independence leads to absolutely nowhere – except to a would-be fortress, whose only and useless objective is to impress others.

Emotional dependence, in its turn, is like a bonfire that we light.

In the beginning, relationships are difficult. In the same way that fire is necessary to put up with the disagreeable smoke – which makes breathing hard, and causes tears to pour down one’s face. However, once the fire is alight, the smoke disappears and the flames light up everything around us – spreading warmth, calm, and possibly making an ember pop out to burn us, but that is what makes a relationship interesting, isn’t that true?

I began this column quoting a Nobel Peace Prize winner about the importance of human relationships. I am ending with Professor Albert Schweitzer, physician and missionary, who received the same Nobel prize in 1952.

“All of us know a disease in Central Africa called sleeping sickness. What we need to know is that there is a similar disease that attacks the soul – and which is very dangerous, because it catches us without being noticed. When you notice the slightest sign of indifference and lack of enthusiasm for your similar, be on the alert!”

“The only way to take precautions against this disease is to understand that the soul suffers, and suffers a lot, when we make it live superficially. The soul likes things that are beautiful and profound”.

"Warrior of the Light, a www.paulocoelho.com.br publication."

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i got one of the best bday gifts ever...though i dont like to celebrate my bday..i dont even reveal my bdate to anyone..yeah..i m a weirdo.. :D
anyways, one of my best buddies from skool registered his marriage on that day...:)
yeah it's a love marriage..the guy a dashing 6'5" mallu and the gal a beautiful northie...
they make the perfect couple...the gal's parents were against but surprisingly her elder brothers supported her...
here's wishing them a long, wonderful and prosperous wedded life ahead...